Photo By Amanda Lee
Recently I realized, roller-coaster can describe more then a ride at the amusement park. Ofcorse, I have always heard the phrases such as “life is like a roller-coaster” and when I was 16, I probably could of sworn that I was living one. But as I’ve gotten older, I have realized it can also describe a feeling, an emotion, a chapter in your life and so much more.. I feel like I have been on one for some time now, I have legitimately started to feel what I can relate to what its like to ride a roller-coaster. The fear, excitement, confusion “why did I want to do this” and fun. I try to down play my emotions because I know that somewhere someone is having it far worse then me. But, I have realized, that’s a great trait to carry but sometimes, no matter how big or small what your feeling matters too. I believe the last time I wrote things out on here, I was still working for an advertising company for our local news website source. I left there for various reason – underpaid, under appreciated, plain out rude atmosphere – as bad as I wanted it to work, it was one of those places that the boss didn’t care how hard you worked, it was never going to be enough. I left there for what I was expecting to be that “dream job” I got myself wrapped up in what the money would do for me, for my relationship, for our home, and so much more – I looked at all the amazing benefits, however I knew going in, it was a different kind of company, they hired me, knowing I didn’t have the qualifications that they were seeking, they hired me knowing I had a marketing background, I started – and not one person trained me, no one responded to me when I reached for help, it triggered my anxiety to the point I was getting sick over going in, I was calling out because I felt ill at that thought of going to this place. I have had anxiety for years at this point and normally work may stress me but it doesn’t trigger full blown attacks, I decided no matter how perfect the money and benefits were, it wasn’t perfect for me. I rather work somewhere and understand what I am doing, have the support when I ask for help, or guidance that I will receive it so in the long run it isn’t used against me. So, I gave my notice, they were amazing – I explained the anxiety I was dealing with and how unhealthy it was becoming and it wasn’t anyone specific, no one said anything to offend me or make me feel anxious, it was the lack of training for a position that someone needed to have not only a background in there industry -but also government bid proposals, no matter how much literature you read – its not going to fully explain – or answer your questions even. So, after getting my things. Leaving there, I had interviewed that same week. Was offered a position as an office manager, it was a pay cut in the terms of where I had just left, but it was more money then I had been making the last few years. So, it was still a silver lining. I started feeling less anxiety about work, it was no longer consuming me. I wasn’t feeling so anxious. I started the new job, and jumped in and understood pretty quickly. In my first week there, the Friday of my first week. I flipped my jeep. I hit a telephone pole due to bad weather, and flipped, I am fine. I have a minor injury in my back but I am lucky – which isn’t even enough to describe it. It was the scariest thing I have ever felt. I was aware, awake I knew what was happening, and could do anything but brace myself. I was in this very odd state of mind, quiet, calm, slightly freaked out but mostly shocked, shocked that it happened, shocked that I was ok, shocked. I am physically ok. But I cannot deny that I lost a piece of me that day, since then I have felt so withdrawn from so many things. Tyler, my heart and soul and I started having serious problems, we’d fight over nothing, everything small or big, we started really working on making things better and we’ve began heading in a happier direction thankfully, we’ve been together for 6 years, I know that I will always have bumps that we have to push through together. Its just the most amazing feeling to know regardless we will be ok, it will pass. We will be ok.
So, will all these recent up’s an downs, a few things I didn’t mention because they are areas I just don’t want to open myself to (even if its just me, if its just in my blog, or my journal, I’m not ready for those topics yet.)
Finally, my roller-coaster is coming to its stop. I am slowly feeling more myself, things are finally settling, I am sure this isn’t the last craze ill feel, however – for now I am going to appreciate every moment of happiness I can. Focusing on positive, happy things will push me to do my best to get that part of me I lost filled.
-Amanda Lee.
MyHeartsThoughtsByAmanda 